Monday, February 11, 2008

A Painful Discovery

It has been some time since I last posted here. I am sorry if I have kept you waiting *bows* It has been ....... I would not say a difficult time for Sensei and I, but things have been changing in our home. Sensei is different. Since the events that we wrote about, he has been quiet and reflective, thinking about what happened and how he feels. He hasn't spoken to me at length about it yet, but he said when he is ready he will.

One thing he has told me is that his feelings are changing. At first I was very worried about this. I thought that this meant that I would soon have to leave Sensei, and go back to were I was before. But this worry was not necessary. Sensei has only talked to me briefly about this, but enough to let me know that he isn't going to let go of what he has.

"I have no reason to let something so precious as you leave me, when I am only just coming to understand what it is you mean to me"

Even writing his words make me feel so ......... When I came to live with my Sensei, I was unsure how long it would be for. I was here to learn, I was here to please and, in a smaller sense, to serve. I was told he had needs and that I was going to fill them. But after a time, I began to forget that I was here for any other reason then to live with a friend. It was easy to be friends with him. We are alike in some ways, and he pushes me in the ways I need to be pushed. So, after our first visit to the back room, I worried about the changes. I worried that I had become lazy, and had forgotten my place in his home.

But my biggest realisation was that I had fallen in love with Kowaku. And that was not what I had come here to do. Friends was one thing ..... And I worried that in doing so I had compromised my position and would have to leave. The thought hurt like a knife. Imagining leaving him brought tears to my eyes, even now. I had no idea how I was going to face this reality.

After his reassurance that I would not have to leave, I felt better about the situation. Perhaps I could deal with what I was feeling. I was still unsure how he felt, although I felt that I had not done anything that would have displeased him, this nagging doubt still paraded about my mind - what if I had? I knew that Sensei did care about me a great deal, although I had felt that this was in the context of student and teacher, and friends. There were needs there too, and these were fulfilled with great joy together. But if I dug too far under the surface of these feelings, I came up against something that I thought should not be there. It was not what I had come here for. These thoughts flowed in my mind for over a week, until, just now, things changed, and I had to face what I felt.

It was an innocent start. He had gone down to the park near our home to paint. Or that had been the plan at least. He had ended up playing a ball game with some other young men there. He came home flushed and excited. And covered in mud from head to toe. He had had a great time though. He talked to me about it as he prepared a bath for himself. This was not unusual. We would usually shower and prepare ourselves in the mornings together, (though with modesty - one only has so much time in the mornings!) and I had never thought anything of it. But now ..... I stood outside the door listening to his excited voice, but not hearing what he said. He was just there, just behind the door. Imagining him ...... In our bedroom adventures, Sensei is in control. And it is he who comes to me when he is aroused. And it happens with a frequency that means I never feel the need to go to him. I didn't know if he would like that anyway. I had made an assumption.

"Hidenka? Are you still there? You can come in now"

I tried to push the thoughts away, and came into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. But it wasn't going to work. I stared at him in the tub. Sensei is a very attractive man. Many women have told me this. And I agree wholeheartedly. His broad shoulders, dark blue eyes, dark hair, tall, tanned skin, sculpted body shape - it is a sight to behold. Especially naked in the bath tub, and covered in bubbles! But I have never allowed myself to be turned on by him, unless of course, he wanted me to be. And I didn't even realise until that moment that I was doing this.

"Hidenka? What's wrong? What is it my lady?"

'Oh please don't get out!' I thought frantically to myself. But he did of course. He came over to me at once, and tipped my head back so that I was looking him in the eye.

"What is troubling you my lady? Why are your eyes so full of doubt?""

When I didn't answer, he pulled me close to him, even though he was all wet.

"I will talk to you soon, I promise. I have almost ....... I am certain now, but I need time to phrase what I am going to say to you correctly."

I only just heard what he was saying, In my mind, his hands were caressing my back, he was nibbling my ear, his hands undoing my gown, his tongue in my mouth, grabbing my breasts, and finally reaching between my legs ....... I gasped and shivered. I was wet, not only because he was holding me.

He pulled back from me to look at my face.

"Hidenka?"

He still had streaks of dirt on his face. I reached up to wipe them away, and then drew his mouth down to mine. It was sweet. I breathed in his smell. It was like the incense he burned in his room, and the soap he used, as well as his own smell. It made me giddy. I ran my hands over his back, and felt the muscles there. I pushed myself against him. I wanted this. But he pulled away from me. He looked at me without a word. He was searching my eyes for something. I felt them fill with tears.

"I am sorry Sensei! I didn't mean ....... I just .... I feel .... I want ......"

I gasped. I turned to run from the room. But he had a hold of me. He pulled me back against him. I hadn't noticed his growing arousal as he had been looking into my eyes.

"What does my lady Hidenka want, hmm? I will give it to you"

His voice was just a whisper, a sigh. It had the affect on me that it always does, that voice that he saves for when he needs me to be wet for him. But this time in was in pursuit of my own needs. I shivered against him. He began to undress me slowly, talking in the voice of silk the whole time.

"What does my lady want, hmm? What does you want me to do to you? You were turned on by me, yes? And you thought that I would not like that? That I would not want to meet my lady's needs? A man can only do so much when he is faced by a beautiful woman who is wet for him. How could I resist you? I saw it in your eyes my lady. Your need. Am I one to say no to you? Of course not! You have welcomed me and my need, and have never come to me with your own. And now that you finally feel that you can, do you think that I would turn you away? How could I? When I could be drenched in the juice of your needs, your desires, such sweetness, would I deny myself such a pleasure? And you have come to me yourself with this. How could I turn away such a delicacy!"

He lay me down on the floor. I was lost in my feelings, my needing. I could only think of what was to come. And it was of my own making. I had allowed myself to feel these things, he had allowed me. He wanted me to come to him with my own desires. His breath was warm and I gasp as he tastes my juice. I groan and his tongue begins the magic. I always felt it was indulgent of me, but he would arouse me with his tongue when he needed me wet quickly. But this time, it was simply for my pleasure. And he was performing the task with the utmost care and delight. He kept glancing up at me and going back to his task with a smile on his face when he saw my pleasure. I groaned and shivered, and wrapped my hands in his thick hair. He kept stopping if he thought I was getting too close to my climax, and I would calm down slightly, then he would go back and bring me close to the edge again.

But he only played for a little while. I did not anticipate his level of arousal, and when he sat up, I was surprised at his size. He laughed as he pushed my legs up, placed his body over mine and hovered over the entrance, teasing me one last little bit.

"You thought that I would not be aroused by your arousal? You thought that I would not want to be inside you after I tasted your juices? Never think that I am not turned on by you. Ever."

He punctuated his last word by thrusting deeply into me. I gasped. My climax was so close already. But he was still. I opened my eyes to look at him. There was a gentle look in his face that was not often there. Something that I couldn't quite place. Then he pulled out of me. He sat back and pulled me up. The he guided me on top of him, until he was deeply buried again. It felt even bigger this way. And I have to say that I loved the feeling of him inside me. He held me against him and we rocked slowly at first and then more quickly. It was close and intimate, in way that hadn't been there before. A couple of times he pushed me back a little so he could look at my face and then he would pull me tight against him again, and bury his face in my neck. His nails dug into my sides, and I think I may have cried out as I came, but I am unsure. He held me so close, so tightly, as he spilled inside me, and I pushed against him hard, as I felt my own orgasm reaching its end. I held him, feeling his heart pounding, and his breath rushing in and out. I closed my eyes, and leaned my head on the top of his head.

"I love you"

I whispered. For a moment, he was completely still. He was even holding his breath. But then I pulled out of his grasp. I am still unsure how I did, for he is so much stronger then me. I assumed he was as shocked as I was. Tears flooded my eyes. He stared up at me, an unreadable expression on his face. He didn't move for a moment. The he opened he mouth to say something, but I couldn't hear it. I turned and fled to my own room, slamming the door. I think he called to me, called out my name. But he didn't follow.

I have laid on my bed for some time now. I have cried for a while, and then all the tears were gone. I had not come here to fall in love. I had come here to learn, to please, and to serve. To offer friendship, perhaps, and comfort. I had not come to make this place my own. I have come to call it my home, but I had not intended for it to be permanently so. He had not offered me this. I was here on his terms and I had not followed his rules. What would he do now? Would I be asked to leave? Would he even ask? Was I expected to know to leave now? Was he waiting for me to leave, even now? I have thought all these things, but I just can't see them as what he would do or think. I do know my Sensei. I would like to think that I know Kowaku too. This man that I now understand that I love. How did I let myself do that?!

Writing it all out has helped. I hope I can work through all of this. I still do not know what he will do. He has not been to see me yet, and I am to frightened to approach him just yet. And he said he would talk to me soon! And now this! No! I will remain calm and focused on my last few sentences here. I am going away soon for a while with my family. To a wedding. Not for too long though. This was arranged before all of this happened. I hope that I will gain some clarity while I am gone. I hope that he has time to think as well. I don't know if I will have the courage to look here again until I get back. It will be too painful I think. So for about a 10 days, I will be gone. But I do intend to do some writing while I am gone. I doubt it will be very cheery or sexy, but there is always hope I guess.

Much Love to you all

Especially Kowaku

I'm sorry

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