Monday, February 11, 2008

I know I said I would not post here again. My judgement on many matter seems to have been ...... inaccurate, of late, to say the least. Idiotic, to put it closer to the truth. I knew that she would post here eventually, or at least I hoped that she would. That she could write here without concern was what I wanted most for her. So I will not alter what she has said in any way. She is better at portraying me with accuracy then I am. She has clarity that I do not at the moment. Even through her emotion.

I have been waiting to make my reply. There is only a little that I need to add. I have to add it here because I am ..... I don't think I could say it to her face. Or even in an email or an sms. I am hoping that if she reads it, out in public, where others can see, so I can't deny it, she will believe it more then if I tried to get her attention while she is too frightened to believe. What she says is true - it was never my intension for strong emotions to enter into what we have. It was an arrangement, rather then a ........ But that isn't really relevant any more. We are at this place and now we have to deal with what we have.

The thing I want to add to my lady's words is simply this:

After Hidenka ran from the bath, I called to her. Called her name. There was no answer, except her door slamming down the hall.

I let out my breath. The bathroom floor was fuzzy through tears. My voice was a whisper. Even though I knew she was in her room, I was afraid that she would hear my confession.

"I love you too"

A Painful Discovery

It has been some time since I last posted here. I am sorry if I have kept you waiting *bows* It has been ....... I would not say a difficult time for Sensei and I, but things have been changing in our home. Sensei is different. Since the events that we wrote about, he has been quiet and reflective, thinking about what happened and how he feels. He hasn't spoken to me at length about it yet, but he said when he is ready he will.

One thing he has told me is that his feelings are changing. At first I was very worried about this. I thought that this meant that I would soon have to leave Sensei, and go back to were I was before. But this worry was not necessary. Sensei has only talked to me briefly about this, but enough to let me know that he isn't going to let go of what he has.

"I have no reason to let something so precious as you leave me, when I am only just coming to understand what it is you mean to me"

Even writing his words make me feel so ......... When I came to live with my Sensei, I was unsure how long it would be for. I was here to learn, I was here to please and, in a smaller sense, to serve. I was told he had needs and that I was going to fill them. But after a time, I began to forget that I was here for any other reason then to live with a friend. It was easy to be friends with him. We are alike in some ways, and he pushes me in the ways I need to be pushed. So, after our first visit to the back room, I worried about the changes. I worried that I had become lazy, and had forgotten my place in his home.

But my biggest realisation was that I had fallen in love with Kowaku. And that was not what I had come here to do. Friends was one thing ..... And I worried that in doing so I had compromised my position and would have to leave. The thought hurt like a knife. Imagining leaving him brought tears to my eyes, even now. I had no idea how I was going to face this reality.

After his reassurance that I would not have to leave, I felt better about the situation. Perhaps I could deal with what I was feeling. I was still unsure how he felt, although I felt that I had not done anything that would have displeased him, this nagging doubt still paraded about my mind - what if I had? I knew that Sensei did care about me a great deal, although I had felt that this was in the context of student and teacher, and friends. There were needs there too, and these were fulfilled with great joy together. But if I dug too far under the surface of these feelings, I came up against something that I thought should not be there. It was not what I had come here for. These thoughts flowed in my mind for over a week, until, just now, things changed, and I had to face what I felt.

It was an innocent start. He had gone down to the park near our home to paint. Or that had been the plan at least. He had ended up playing a ball game with some other young men there. He came home flushed and excited. And covered in mud from head to toe. He had had a great time though. He talked to me about it as he prepared a bath for himself. This was not unusual. We would usually shower and prepare ourselves in the mornings together, (though with modesty - one only has so much time in the mornings!) and I had never thought anything of it. But now ..... I stood outside the door listening to his excited voice, but not hearing what he said. He was just there, just behind the door. Imagining him ...... In our bedroom adventures, Sensei is in control. And it is he who comes to me when he is aroused. And it happens with a frequency that means I never feel the need to go to him. I didn't know if he would like that anyway. I had made an assumption.

"Hidenka? Are you still there? You can come in now"

I tried to push the thoughts away, and came into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. But it wasn't going to work. I stared at him in the tub. Sensei is a very attractive man. Many women have told me this. And I agree wholeheartedly. His broad shoulders, dark blue eyes, dark hair, tall, tanned skin, sculpted body shape - it is a sight to behold. Especially naked in the bath tub, and covered in bubbles! But I have never allowed myself to be turned on by him, unless of course, he wanted me to be. And I didn't even realise until that moment that I was doing this.

"Hidenka? What's wrong? What is it my lady?"

'Oh please don't get out!' I thought frantically to myself. But he did of course. He came over to me at once, and tipped my head back so that I was looking him in the eye.

"What is troubling you my lady? Why are your eyes so full of doubt?""

When I didn't answer, he pulled me close to him, even though he was all wet.

"I will talk to you soon, I promise. I have almost ....... I am certain now, but I need time to phrase what I am going to say to you correctly."

I only just heard what he was saying, In my mind, his hands were caressing my back, he was nibbling my ear, his hands undoing my gown, his tongue in my mouth, grabbing my breasts, and finally reaching between my legs ....... I gasped and shivered. I was wet, not only because he was holding me.

He pulled back from me to look at my face.


He still had streaks of dirt on his face. I reached up to wipe them away, and then drew his mouth down to mine. It was sweet. I breathed in his smell. It was like the incense he burned in his room, and the soap he used, as well as his own smell. It made me giddy. I ran my hands over his back, and felt the muscles there. I pushed myself against him. I wanted this. But he pulled away from me. He looked at me without a word. He was searching my eyes for something. I felt them fill with tears.

"I am sorry Sensei! I didn't mean ....... I just .... I feel .... I want ......"

I gasped. I turned to run from the room. But he had a hold of me. He pulled me back against him. I hadn't noticed his growing arousal as he had been looking into my eyes.

"What does my lady Hidenka want, hmm? I will give it to you"

His voice was just a whisper, a sigh. It had the affect on me that it always does, that voice that he saves for when he needs me to be wet for him. But this time in was in pursuit of my own needs. I shivered against him. He began to undress me slowly, talking in the voice of silk the whole time.

"What does my lady want, hmm? What does you want me to do to you? You were turned on by me, yes? And you thought that I would not like that? That I would not want to meet my lady's needs? A man can only do so much when he is faced by a beautiful woman who is wet for him. How could I resist you? I saw it in your eyes my lady. Your need. Am I one to say no to you? Of course not! You have welcomed me and my need, and have never come to me with your own. And now that you finally feel that you can, do you think that I would turn you away? How could I? When I could be drenched in the juice of your needs, your desires, such sweetness, would I deny myself such a pleasure? And you have come to me yourself with this. How could I turn away such a delicacy!"

He lay me down on the floor. I was lost in my feelings, my needing. I could only think of what was to come. And it was of my own making. I had allowed myself to feel these things, he had allowed me. He wanted me to come to him with my own desires. His breath was warm and I gasp as he tastes my juice. I groan and his tongue begins the magic. I always felt it was indulgent of me, but he would arouse me with his tongue when he needed me wet quickly. But this time, it was simply for my pleasure. And he was performing the task with the utmost care and delight. He kept glancing up at me and going back to his task with a smile on his face when he saw my pleasure. I groaned and shivered, and wrapped my hands in his thick hair. He kept stopping if he thought I was getting too close to my climax, and I would calm down slightly, then he would go back and bring me close to the edge again.

But he only played for a little while. I did not anticipate his level of arousal, and when he sat up, I was surprised at his size. He laughed as he pushed my legs up, placed his body over mine and hovered over the entrance, teasing me one last little bit.

"You thought that I would not be aroused by your arousal? You thought that I would not want to be inside you after I tasted your juices? Never think that I am not turned on by you. Ever."

He punctuated his last word by thrusting deeply into me. I gasped. My climax was so close already. But he was still. I opened my eyes to look at him. There was a gentle look in his face that was not often there. Something that I couldn't quite place. Then he pulled out of me. He sat back and pulled me up. The he guided me on top of him, until he was deeply buried again. It felt even bigger this way. And I have to say that I loved the feeling of him inside me. He held me against him and we rocked slowly at first and then more quickly. It was close and intimate, in way that hadn't been there before. A couple of times he pushed me back a little so he could look at my face and then he would pull me tight against him again, and bury his face in my neck. His nails dug into my sides, and I think I may have cried out as I came, but I am unsure. He held me so close, so tightly, as he spilled inside me, and I pushed against him hard, as I felt my own orgasm reaching its end. I held him, feeling his heart pounding, and his breath rushing in and out. I closed my eyes, and leaned my head on the top of his head.

"I love you"

I whispered. For a moment, he was completely still. He was even holding his breath. But then I pulled out of his grasp. I am still unsure how I did, for he is so much stronger then me. I assumed he was as shocked as I was. Tears flooded my eyes. He stared up at me, an unreadable expression on his face. He didn't move for a moment. The he opened he mouth to say something, but I couldn't hear it. I turned and fled to my own room, slamming the door. I think he called to me, called out my name. But he didn't follow.

I have laid on my bed for some time now. I have cried for a while, and then all the tears were gone. I had not come here to fall in love. I had come here to learn, to please, and to serve. To offer friendship, perhaps, and comfort. I had not come to make this place my own. I have come to call it my home, but I had not intended for it to be permanently so. He had not offered me this. I was here on his terms and I had not followed his rules. What would he do now? Would I be asked to leave? Would he even ask? Was I expected to know to leave now? Was he waiting for me to leave, even now? I have thought all these things, but I just can't see them as what he would do or think. I do know my Sensei. I would like to think that I know Kowaku too. This man that I now understand that I love. How did I let myself do that?!

Writing it all out has helped. I hope I can work through all of this. I still do not know what he will do. He has not been to see me yet, and I am to frightened to approach him just yet. And he said he would talk to me soon! And now this! No! I will remain calm and focused on my last few sentences here. I am going away soon for a while with my family. To a wedding. Not for too long though. This was arranged before all of this happened. I hope that I will gain some clarity while I am gone. I hope that he has time to think as well. I don't know if I will have the courage to look here again until I get back. It will be too painful I think. So for about a 10 days, I will be gone. But I do intend to do some writing while I am gone. I doubt it will be very cheery or sexy, but there is always hope I guess.

Much Love to you all

Especially Kowaku

I'm sorry

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Artist Returns - Starting Down the Path, Part IV

I collapse on top of her without thinking. She growls at me and I retreat. I sit back against the head of the bed and watch her, as she takes in what has happened. She lays on her tummy for a time, and then asks for a cloth. I tell her not to worry, this place is for our needs, not to sleep comfortable at night. She sits up slowly, reaches out to touch the marks Anshinritsumei has left on her back, but I stop her. I leave the bed to fetch some water and some soothing lotion. When I return, she has tears on her face. I feel regret at once, which escapes in a sigh. She gasps.

"I am so sorry Sensei! I did not think it would be so much so soon! I did not meant to let you down ..... argh!"

She cries out in pain as she twists to look at me without thinking. I sit down on the bed next to her. I push her down gentle on the bed and begin to wash her back. I speak softly, trying my best to calm her with my words,

"You are beautiful my lady. You are amazing to my eyes. You have done something, taken something, that others have not be able to. You have strength that I am proud of. There is no need for sorrow, for apologies, for tears. You have done more then I could have expected. I feel......"

I can not say how I feel. There is such release, such calm. I am surprised by the change I feel in myself. I feel relaxed in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. My need to be in total control has diminished greatly, as if it has been drained out of me into my lady. I finishing washing and start to apply the lotion. She is full of confusion. I can see it in her eyes as she tries to glance at me. She lays back on the bed and sighs.

"I am ...... I am unsure ...... I don't know what to feel or what to think."

She sits up suddenly, and gasps at the pain. She slowly turns to face me.

"Will things change? What do you expect of me now?"

I do not know what to say. I have been so fixated on getting to this point, I had not thought of what would happen after. No ...... the truth is, I had thought what I would do if she had chosen to turn away from me and the path that I had offered her. That I had thought about a lot. But this? No, I had no idea what was to happen now. I did not know what I expected of her.

She looks away from me with tears on her faces. I pull her close, being mindful of her back. The skin had already risen in angry red marks. My anger, my pain. As I looked down at the marks, the marks that I had put there, I felt a shift, a slow change taking shape in my gut. It was rising, up through my chest into my heart. It was clearing my mind, and making my breath catch.

"My lady. I am going to run you a bath that will soothe your tender flesh. While you are soaking, there is something I must do. Can you give me some time? Alone? An hour? Then I will speak with you more if you need to?"

She looked at me. There was hurt. But that changed slowly as she saw the urgency, the naked vulnerability that was in my eyes. She sighs again. But she says

"Alright. I will be able to wait for an hour. But then ........ I need you close now."

I smile. And I see the slightly shocked look on her face. There is much that I have not show Hidenka. Like my pure joy at her, having her here in my house, having her body close to my own. And so the smile she saw was new to her. The smile she returned was a gentle brilliance that I had also not seen before.

"Thank you. Thank you my lady"

My voice is slightly hoarse as I kiss the top of her head. Then I get up and take her hand. I slip the soft silk robe around her shoulders and pull on my own. Then I lead her away from that little back room.


Hidenka Writes:

As I soak in the green tinged bath, I think of his words before he departs for his office. He speaks to me in soft whispers, as if he is afraid his normal tones will hurt my ears. He touches me as if I am so fragile that I will break if he grasps me too hard. He looks at me as if he is afraid I will disappear as he watches. I am full of pain, but he has already helped to soothe it. He repeats over and over his gratitude. He says he has never known another that ....... He says that he needs time to think over this newness that he feels, but that he wants me there, by his side, quietly holding him steady. But then he says something that is a real sign that things have changed:

"I wish to invite my lady to my bed tonight. There are no expectations of you"

Whenever I have spent the night with him in the past, it was always with the expectation that there would be a meeting of our bodies. It was always fulfilling for me, but there was always that expectations. This time would be different. This time I was there because he felt that I needed that. That I would feel ...... What? Loved? I was unsure if I was meant to feel that. But I did all the same. Loved and cared for. I always felt cared for, but loved ..... I did not know if I should feel that.

As I lay, and soaked, slowly the pain was lessening. And then I heard it. From the study came the sound of the piano. Sensei playing. Sensei has not played his piano or his violin since I came here. It was said that he played beautifully, especially the violin. The music stopped and started, the same parts played over and over. He was writing. Writing music again, as I was told he did once. Sensei is really an artist. He writes music and paints. But he has since stopped this. I have never known him to do these things, although there are many of his paintings in the house. His IT work supports him, but he had lost something, and so the art has stopped. Whatever he had lost, I think I may have given it back to him in the little back room.

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Climax of New Sensations, Starting Down the Path, Part III

Hidenka has been quite busy lately, as you will know if you have been reading the little comments she has been adding to my recollections. So I have decided to post the next part myself. This is my first true post here, and I do not plan to post regularly. This is Hidenka's place, although it was through my encouragement that she started it. It is important that she feels safe here. I thank all those who have encouraged her through comments and emails.

For a moment, I was at a loss. Did this mean she was staying? For how long? Did she truly understand? This part of me that I had kept hidden for so long felt naked and vulnerable under her gaze. But she had remained graceful, even in the face of this ..... I was unable to feel any other emotion besides deep gratitude. Her strength was amazing to me. She was the first not to waver at the knowledge of my needs.

She laid her head against my chest again, and closed her eyes. She was breathing rapidly, though she appeared calm. My mind was stuck. I couldn't think a clear thought. After the gratitude there was only need......

As I pushed her back onto the bed, a small squeak escaped her. My movements had been unexpected. She looked up at me with those eyes. Again there was an amount of fear, but there was also trust. She didn't know what was going to happen, but she trusted me. I had to keep that trust. It was the most important thing. So I had to be careful. I had managed up until now. The road was still long.

I covered her small body with my own, and met her mouth with mine. She didn't resist, but she wasn't as willing as she normally was. Already, there were changes in her. This would not do.

I pulled back and looked at her. I tried to read her thoughts through her eyes. She is so open. Telling what she is thinking is not usually difficult, even if she tries to hide it. Now it was doubly important.

But she did not give me time to think of the best thing to do next. She reached out her hands and took my face, guiding it back to her mouth. She kissed me this time, and I was unsure how to react. But then she was looking at me again.

"Do not be afraid of how I will react. I will tell you if I need to stop. You........(she took a shaky breath) you know me........"

That was too much. I pressed my mouth against hers again, harder this time, more insistent. I strained against my clothes, even as I ripped hers away. She was like snow, all white and glistening. For a moment, I stopped to take her in. A shaft of light from between the closed curtains picked out the red in her hair. Then the intense feels were taking over. I needed this. I needed it now.

I pulled my own clothes off, and threw them away. I pulled her up next to me. I ran my hands over her back, making her shiver. I licked her neck and ear. I know she likes this. I kneaded her backside. Her bottom is one of my favourite parts of her. She was becoming less tense. She was beginning to mellow again, as she was getting lost in the sensations. It is something that I have been encouraging her to do - loose herself in the sensations of her body. She was so uptight before, so separate from her body that she did not understand it. She was almost afraid of it.

Now it is different. I push her back onto the bed, and straddle her. She is already wet, already deep in that place. The place she needs to be so she is protected. And so I can be consumed by her, by my need for her. I fall into the sensations, kissing, licking, sucking, nibbling, stroking, smacking, tickling, listening to her giggling, sighing and to her breathing change as I go deeper, get closer. Feather touches driver her wild, she bucks against me. I thrill at her responses. And so tease her more and more. She is pushed closer to her climax, and then I retreat, making her groan and writhe in the absence of sensation.

She reaches out towards me and I lay over her once more. She pushes against me. Wanting. Needing. Her breath is warm on my neck as she nibbles there. She grasps at my back. There will be marks there. I push down on her, teasing, just the entrance. She pushes back, but I pull away. I kiss her. I devour her neck once more. She is breathing fast. She says something, but I am unable to distinguish exactly what it is, whether a moan or a word. Perhaps my name? I look down at her. She looks back, steadily. Her eyes are clouded with lust. They are intense. She reaches out towards my face, she strokes around my check and chin.

But it is a diversion on her part. She also reaches between my legs. She grasps me and guides me to were she wants me to be. I felt warmth and moist. I am drawn to it through lust and instinct. But then I grab her hand and pull away. She looks alarmed. It is the first time she has taking any kind of initiative in our bedroom activities. I am always in control here. I control how and what she feels, as well as what I feel. Her needs are always met. She always feel what she needs to for satisfaction. This move on her part was new, and (in her mind I am sure) dangerous. She was not sure how I would react. Things were moving too slowly, her lust at that point was too great. So she had felt comfortable enough to do something about it.

I reached the end of my tether. Teasing her was one thing, pushing myself to the point of climax before I was inside was out of the question. I got off her and opened the case above the bed. Anshinritsumei was waiting. When I looked back at her, she was sitting up. There was no time for anything else now, only lust. I needed this. I set Anshinritsumei down next to me, and pulled her around onto all fours. I rubbed her back and touched her inside, to help her relax. I was gentle but insistent. She began to mellow again. I upped the pace, and she began to crest. I pushed inside. She gave a squeaked and then moaned. I thrust rapidly for a few stokes and then more slowly. And then faster ..... and then more slowly. She bucks against me during the slow phase. She wants it hard and fast. This is what she has come to associate with her climax. It is selfish of me, but it is how I like it. I reach to my side and grasp Anshinritsumei. Then I give in to her need, and to my own. As I do, I stroke her back until I come. She takes six strokes. Not full force, but enough to thrill me, to push me over the edge, the feed the hunger, to feel satisfied on that deep animal level. My need is met .... for now.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Making Sense - Starting Down the Path, Part II

I have been busy over this weekend. I spent a lovely day on Saturday with a dear friend, and then attended a party on Sunday. So I had no time to post Sensei's recollections! So I am continuing now. I hope that you can get through this part. It was quite difficult for Sensei to write. He spent two days writing this part alone before he left!

I took the lead, walking away from the main part of the house. I took her to a room in the back. It is small and tucked away, but it is perfect. It has been kept locked since Hidenka has been with me. She was so shy when I first brought her here, but she also has a curiosity that would put many felines to shame, and I didn't want anything to frighten her. I have failed at times with this. My temper is something that she is going to post about soon. But the back bedroom had to be kept secret or her discoveries would have driven her away.

I unlocked the door and switched on the light then let her go ahead of me. I waited while she had her initial reaction. I was happy at how calm she was, although I had to laugh at her confusion.

"Whose room is this Sensei? I have never been here before. Does someone stay here that I do not know about?"

She looked at me with slight accusation. She likes her home to be her safe haven, just as I do. The thought that there had been someone else here when she didn't know was unsettling for her.

"No, my lady. This room is not set up for anyone, although it was a guest bedroom"

She looked around. There was a large four poster bed, made of dark wood, covered on crisp white sheets; a chest at the foot; a chaise lounge covered in deep red velvet; a tall boy, again made of dark wood and a door behind which was a walk in closet that contained no clothes. She walked around the bed as something had draw her eye. It was mounted in a case on the wall above the bed, half hidden by the drapes. As she looked her eyes grew large.


Her voice was timid. She was scared she was asking the wrong thing. She thought she should know what was going on.

"Why....why is Anshinritsumei on the wall?"

"Because this is going to be our room"

"Our room?"

"Yes, my Lady"

I sat on the bed and pulled her down next to me, holding her as I spoke. I had to choose my words carefully (although I always do with my Lady). She had to feel exactly right.

"When you were first invited into my home, you expected us to share a bed, yes?"

She nodded, looking at me with those big eyes. She was hesitant, but she was also quite curious. Perfect.

"I would expect that you have wondered why we have not. It is because things needed to be taken slowly. You are very special to me, and I have plans for you, and for us. If those plans were to turn out the way I wanted, I had to make things just right for my little Hidenka. You were shy and innocent and precious and easily frightened. I had to protect you, build you up so that you would no longer be afraid. I knew that if you knew things too soon, I would frighten you..."

For a moment I was lost. This was a hard thing for me to admit. Even to her. She was indeed, my precious little Hidenka. The thought of frightening her hurt me now just as much, if not more, then it ever had. For a moment I wavered. Was it time? Was this the right thing to do? Would it ever be right? Should I leave us as we were and hide that side of me? Could I risk her knowing? Could I risk her leaving in fear? I closed my eyes as the doubts grew.

"Sensei? Sensei are you alright?"

She sounded worried. I tightened my grip on her. She snuggled closer. Her voice was gentle.

"What is wrong Kowaku?"

It was a first. I was Sensei to Hidenka. I had never been Kowaku to her. She had never called me that. She was reaching out to me on a new level. She wanted me to know that I could trust her with this, as a friend, if she being my pupil wasn't enough. I sighed. She was ready. But would she accept it? I took a deep breath.

"My Lady. I do love you. In a way that I have not loved another before. No....I have tried. And failed. This time, I have tried my hardest to make it right. Because you felt different. I know that others have warned you about me. Said that I was dangerous. That you would be hurt. I think that so far, you have been treated very well, and that I have given you no reason to believe what you have been told. Is this right?"

"Oh Sensei! I did not know that you knew of that horrid gossip! I was uncertain at first, it is true. But you have been very good to me.....there was only one time that I doubted....."

She buried her face in my chest. I touched her hair. I felt a shift. This would have to be concluded soon, as I needed her too much already. I felt more doubts surface, even as I rose

"Anshinritsumei? It frightened you, I know. It was too soon. I pushed, and you withdrew....."

She interrupted me.

"For a while, yes, I did withdraw. I was scared. But you gave me space. And you taught me other, such beautiful lessons that I was able to understand the lesson of Anshinritsumei more. It was hard for me to understand, but I do now......"

She paused. There was more to come. It came out in a rush of words.

" are different from other men. You demand of my mind as well as my body. I have to grow for you. But.....but you want something more from me. Something that frightens me. And you knew it would. But you have been preparing me I know.....haven't you? You said I was different. But I feel that are going........the thing that you need to tell me............."

She took a deep breath, and then looked at me. She was a little pale. She looked away, and gathered her strength. She looked back.

"You want my pain. You want me to feel it so that you feel it. It is what drives you......drives your.........and you need it to feel complete when.........and you used to take the pain from many people, but now you only want it form me..........."

She ended in a whisper, her face hidden in my chest again. I felt her heart pound against me. She was gripping my arm like a vice. She was afraid........of me.

I almost left her there. Her fear was not what I wanted. It was like a knife. It was my worst fear.

"You may leave here.....if you feel you must"

She was very still. I could almost feel her thoughts whirling around in her mind. I could imagine her confusion, fear, but I could not understand why she hesitated.

She slowly lifted her head. Her eyes were calm as she looked at me. The fear was still there, but there was her strength. I felt pressure on the back of my eyes.

"Why would I leave my Sensei? Kowaku. My lessons are only just beginning."


The next part will be posted in the next few days. Sensei coming home means I will be quite busy for a time ;)

His Little Hidenka

Friday, January 18, 2008

Home from the Markets - Starting Down the Path, Part I

It has been a whole week since I posted last! It is amazing how the time flies when you are having fun ;) I have been busy with work, and lessons with Sensei of course!

I have been thinking and reading a lot lately. It is taking me in a curious direction, It is a little startling really. However, this direction is as Sensei had planned, and it is quite disconcerting to realise how much influence he has over me. I had thought that I was making these discoveries on my own, but I can track it all back to Sensei Kowaku. He is subtle in the way he directs me though. Always discreet and letting me think that I am following the path of my own accord. Of course, it means that I resist the least if he does it that way. He certainly knows his little Hidenka well ;)

What follows is an incident from a few nights ago that needs to be shared. It is part of what I have been thinking about. It is written by Sensei Kowaku, and he has asked me to post it here. He is preparing for another trip away for work. I don't know what I am going to do while he is away! He leaves on Saturday, and comes back on Monday. I have such trouble while he is away!


It was getting late. Well ... it wasn't as late as it seemed to me, but Hidenka had been gone too long for my liking. She loves the evening markets, but I do not like her going on her own. She is such a sweet, delicate little thing. I fear men would take advantage of that. Men like myself of course. So I pace the office as I wait. I am not good at waiting. I am trying to teach Hidenka patience, but I fear that I am not a very good example. I am able to get around this fact most of the time though. So that is why I indulged in some pacing while I worried about her. It didn't help me.

I heard her voice before she was in the house. I stood still to listen to her singing, as she unlocked the door and walked to her room with the treasures she had found at the market. She will never know how calming her voice is to me. I walked quickly to the door, opening it in a rush. She stood there smiling. God, I love her innocent smile. I shivered involuntarily. She didn't notice, I think. She was to excited about her finds.

"Sensei! There you are! Look what I got! It is the wooden box you asked me to get. For my treasures. Isn't it lovely?"

She produced the box from a paper bag. It was quite dark, and had a flower pattern carved into it, and a golden clasp to keep it closed. It was perfect. A perfect fit for her. But she was suddenly concerned.

"Is it good? Is it what you had imagined? I might be able to get a different one if it is not..."

I had to laugh. She was so earnest! I realised that my lack of response had been taken the wrong way. I had been busy thinking of other things....

"It is perfect for my lady. Exactly as I had though. You will need to find the perfect place for it in your room now."

"Of course! Look what else I got. It is the book that I was telling you about. The one I have wanted for ages, 'Sweat your Prayers'....."

She talked on excitedly as we walked to her room. I let her voice wash over me, without taking it in. I do feel bad about that, looking back. But it is just what happens when she is so happy and talking nineteen to the dozen, as she sometimes does. I love her voice. It has such an odd, calming quality to it. Even when she is so excited!

Suddenly I stepped over to her, and took her firmly in my arms, pressing my mouth over hers. She melted at once. As she does every time. I thrill at it every time as well. When I let her free, she smiled a little shyly up at me.

"What was that for Sensei?"

"As always, you have the ability to turn me on, almost no matter what you are doing."

She smiled her soft smile at me, and took my hand, leading me to the bedroom, before changing her mind and heading towards the bathroom. She does know what I like, does my little Hidenka. She hasn't been with me for over six months for nothings.

But I pulled back, and she looked back at me.

"What is wrong Sensei? Do you want to go to the bedroom? Or somewhere else?"

I pulled her close to me again. I had made up my mind. As I wove my hands through her hair, I knew. It was time. Time to begin in earnest.

"My little Hidenka"

My voice was a sigh. She had to be calm.

"It is time for you to learn something new. I feel that you are ready. Now is the time to show you new things. About me and about yourself. Do you feel ready?"


I am going to post the rest of the story while Sensei is away. It is as he wished. I will post another part tomorrow and another on Sunday. I hope you enjoy it!

Much Love,

His Little Hidenka

Friday, January 11, 2008

A present

Hello my lovelies,

I have finally finished some of the sweets that I have been working on for so long! Sensei took some photos of me with Esmerelda, the violin. Esmerelda has lived with Sensei for a while, and he plays her beautifully. Now she is mine and I am going to try and learn to play her. It will be a very long process I think! I don't have very much time with everything else.

I am going to post the picture that I am sending as a gift to dear Dragonfly, for her to use at the Okiya if she wishes. Oh, I hope she likes it!

There will be more here later. Right now I have to go and get to the tasks that Sensei has set of me.

Much Love

Monday, January 7, 2008


I am currently working on something sweet for my blog. It is slow progress though, as I am quite busy now. However to tide you over since it has been a while since I last posted, I thought that I would let you share a memory that I have from a time ago now, when Sensei was new to me and I was so nervous around him that I had trouble looking him in the eye.

I had only been with my Sensei for a few weeks. It was all very new and I had heard from others that my Sensei was a hard man, difficult for women to please because of his high standards. And, although I was thrilled with the prospect of a challenge, I was quite scared that I would not live up to his expectations. I was unsure why my Sensei had chosen me amongst the many females that he could have had. Sometimes I wonder if he was mistaken. But that was not my place. My questions would be answered if I gave Sensei the chance. Although it often took me a while to realise that I had been provided with answers, I did know what I needed to. Never more, never less.

It was hot. I remember that well. The temperature was soaring. It was very still and the air was heavy. Somehow, Sensei was working through the heat. He was in his office, with the curtains draw, while I was in my own room. The fan was on, I was reading and eating cooling, icy treats. I was thrilled when Sensei said that I could have as many icy treats as I wanted. The last time the temperature had gotten this high, I had gotten a bit of heat stroke. Sensei was making sure it didn't happen again. I had been instructed to each them. I was happy with this.

I was engrossed in my book, when Sensei said,

"I want to see you in my office now, Hidenka"

I got the fright of my life. I hadn't heard him come out of his office, up the hallway, to stand in my doorway. I listened to him walk back down the hall and go into his office. My heart was pounding. Had I done something wrong? I had never been called into Sensei's office before. I was instructed to leave his to his work today. Had I disturbed him? I stood up quickly, and straighten my clothes so I was presentable. I was a little worried. Others had told me that Sensei had a temper. Although I had never seen it really flare, especially towards me, there were others that were worried for me when they had heard about Sensei. They had warned me away. But I had not listened. And so far, I had no reason to regret my decision. However, the little bit of doubt had stayed with me. And now it was surfacing.

I crept down the hallway to his office door. It was closed. Should I knock? I decided that it would be best if I did. After a moment, in which I thought that maybe knocking had been a bad idea, he called for me to come in. It was quite dark and cool inside the office. The curtains were drawn, and he was standing behind his desk with his back to me, waiting for me.

"Close the door Hidenka"

As I turned back from the door, I noticed it on the desk for the first time. A long cane, about a metre in length. It was wooden and had been stained black, so it was like a snake on the desk.

"Look at the cane Hidenka. Pick it up and feel it in your hands. Inspect it closely"

I didn't want to. I hesitated.

"Do not hesitate in fear, my lady. Your limits are only in your mind. Take it. Feel it in your hand. A cane is nothing to fear"

I took a breath and walked to the desk. I picked it up and looked at it, this cane. I ran my hand over its surface, and found that it had been carved. There were intricate patterns all over it. There was also words engraved on the handle - my name, Hidenka, and Anshinritsumei.

"Anshinritsumei, Sensei?"

"Yes, my lady. It means enlightenment, spiritual peace. These are the lessons that the cane is going to teach you. There will be others as well, but those are the primary ones."

I felt myself go a little pale.

"So....I will be caned? Have I done something wrong?"

I felt myself begin to shake a little. They had been right. Sensei was facing me now, and he smiled. He came around the desk, and I was wrapped in his arms. Immediately, I began to relax a little. There was nothing to fear. Sensei had given me no reason to fear him so far, why would it change now? Sensei breathed deeply of my scent and ran his hand over my back.

"You are a delight to my senses, Hidenka. You please me very much. All you have done wrong is being afraid. But it was as I had expected. So you have done nothing wrong - just what was expected"

I felt relieved. I had not upset Sensei. But then.....I raised my head to ask about the cane, but when I looked into his eyes, I saw that he would not answer .For a moment I stood and stared into his eyes, drinking in the intense lust I saw there. I could not sustain it though, and had to look away. He pulled me close against him, and I felt his rising need. He nuzzled my neck, and traced a pattern there with his tongue, which made me giggle, as he knew it would.

"I like my lady's laughter"

I heard the smile in his voice. Pleasing Sensei made me happy, and gave me a thrill, that ended between my legs. As his kiss covered my mouth, I knew that he would soon check to see if I was aroused. As he lifted the skirt of my dress, another thrill went through me. As he felt my wetness, I was pleased to hear his growl of pleasure at what he found.

My dress flew up over my shoulders, and I stood in panties and bra, a little surprised. He laughed at the look on my face as he dropped the dress on the floor.

"You are so easily surprised my lady. And that look of your is strangely erotic"

I blushed, and he laughed more, before taking me in his arms once more. This time his grip was tighter. He pull my head back for a deep kiss, his nails carving their way up my back. He was insistent. There was to be pleasure.

He pushed be back against the desk. He swept the cane onto the floor, and pushed me back onto the desk. He covered my body with his, but then stood up again to remove his clothes. For both of us, skin on skin contact was amazing. As he ran his hands over my body, I shivered. My wetness grew. He pulled me up, so I was sitting, and removed my bra. He cupped one breast, while teasing the other with his tongue. I wrapped my legs around his waist, so he was pulled closer to me. He smiled up at me, and kissed me insistently again. It would not be long now. Or at least, I hoped that it wouldn't.

He pushed me back onto my back, and slowly, deliberately, removed my panties. As I was slowly revealed, he feasted his eyes on me. I instinctively started to close my legs, but he pushed them wide apart. He was intent on my folds. He drew one finger along my wetness, and tasted it like a delicacy. He made a satisfied sounds. he pulled me to my feet suddenly. He pushed me around so I was facing the desk . He pushed me down, so I was bent over the desk. I stood on tiptoes so it would be easier. I knew what was going to happen next.

The first stroke had been fast and hard before, but this time it was delicate and gentle, like he was savouring every moment of it. It made me shiver violently, and he held my hips steady. His movements were slow and deliberate. He was letting me feel every movement inside. It was so good, and yet it was torture. I needed more, faster, harder. I made a noise, as my need grew, a small desperate noise. He made soothing noises, and whispered,

"Soon now my lady"

Slowly, he increased his speed. It felt good. I was reaching a peak. I grasped the edge of the desk, as he gained strength. Soon, I thought that the desk may slide across the floor. But it held. He tilled my hips up just a little, and the sensations came crashing down on me. As I did, there was a swishing sound, and a crack, as the cane came down - very hard - across my back. I yelled, and tears blinded me.

We were both still for a moment, and then Sensei bundled me up in his arms and took me to the bathroom, where he ran me a cooling bath. I sat on the side of the bath, watching the water run as he fetched oils and creams for my back. I let the tears fall. I had made a mistake. He set the bottles down and turned the water off. The he climbed in and held out an arm to me. But I didn't move. He regarded me for a moment. The he climbed out and took me in his arms again and put me in the water. It felt good on my hot skin. He climbed in after me and wrapped his arms around me.

"What did my lady learn?"

He whispered in my ear. I wiped the tears from my eyes and shook my head.

"There is only pain when I am with you"

My voice broke a little at the end. He said nothing, and I looked at him. He was smiling a gentle smile. He ran a finger over my cheek.

"I thought that you might think that. But you are wrong. Some times there is pain, and some times there is pleasure. Some times there is both at the same time. Your lesson is to learn to distinguish between the three. When one is appropriate but the other is not. Today you felt as much pain in one stroke of the cane as you will ever feel from me. And you are here now, still. You are not broken, only scared. You have transcended your limit. A limit that you had set for yourself. You are strong, you can endure. That is why I chose you above the others. You have the strength to be here, by my side."

That was one of he hardest lesson that Sensei has had me learn. Sometimes, I forget it, and I let my strength wane. But I will never forget his words. And I no longer feared Anshinritsumei.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Berries and Cream for Dessert

"Did you enjoy your berries and cream my lady?"

"Yes Sensei"

"They are not too cold now my lady?"

"No Sensei"

Sensei nods, his mouth full. I put my head back and smile. Berries and cream are one of my favourite desserts. After I had eaten my fill, Sensei had asked if it would be alright if he had some as well. I thought that this was very strange, but I could not say no to Sensei. And he knows this!

Suddenly I sneezed. Three strawberries fell into Sensei's lap.

"Oh Hidenka!"

"I am so sorry! I will clean it up at once!"

I started to get up, but Sensei stopped me at once.

", I think I may be at fault here. I think the best thing would be if .... I cleaned you up first."

"Oh! But I am ticklish! No Sensei! Please!......."

Perhaps I will post some pictures of our "dessert" next time!

Much Love!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Morning Light

I feel the light before I open my eyes. It is a bright morning outside the dark red curtains of the bedroom. I shift a little under the covers and Sensei's grip on me tightens. He murmurs something in his sleep that I cannot hear. I look at the clock. 7:28. I am usually up by now, but Sensei told me that I did not need to rise early the next morning. At least, I think he did. My memories of the night before are hazy. Only because there were so many sensations!

I snuggle under the covers more and smile as I remember. Sensei speaks again. I hear the words "smoothness" and "radiance", but that is all I can distinguish. Sensei often talks in his sleep. As I move, the covers brush my leg, and I gasp. There is a sharp, stinging pain there. Oh yes. The scratches. I lift the covers a little to look, but Sensei's arm is in the way. Oh well.

I lay very still, and try to remember our night again. But it is still hazy. So I let the sensations wash over me instead. Mostly I remember his hands. He has long, smooth hands, that would suit a piano player more then a warrior. And he knows how to use them! To give me pain as well as pleasure. Stroking, and tickling, and feather touches, and grasping, and shoving, and brushing, and.....always knowing were to play. But there is pain also. Scratching, and slapping, although, never my face and never a closed fist. Those are the rules. And there is server punishment for breaking the rules. Especially for Sensei. A man like Sensei...other men have feared Sensei in battle, so a delicate woman such as myself, is totally at his mercy in the bedroom. And he knows it. He takes his duties seriously.

Sensei sighs, rolls onto his back and says my name. I hold my breath, waiting for his strong grasp as he awakens, but nothing. He is still sleeping. I smile, and carefully turn so I can look at him. I lay on my tummy so my scratches are not touched too much by the bed clothes, and then lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart. It is slow and steady now. I remember its feverish beat of last night, and sigh. I remember his sigh of contentment.

I remember his hands as he investigated every inch of my body. Was I still the same as when he had left? Had I changed? Was I still his? He always checks, and he is always happy with what he finds, even if things have changed. Each change would be investigated and he would ask. And he would not let me tell him lies. Sensei knows me too well.

After the investigation, I was ready. But he was not. Or he was not willing to let me off easily. There is teasing to come yet. There are words to come as well. To make me giggle, and gasp, and shiver, and never take my eyes off his. His hands wander and his tongue is not still, and I am not quiet. But he must have his fill of teasing. It is not often that this is missed. Last night was no exception.

And then, I remember things that are even less concrete. The slow movements. The softness. The length of movement. The sounds. His voices as he lets his guard down, for the first time since he has been home. The animal noises that escape. Him looking up at me. His eyes were black in the soft light. They are intense, they are still. They are only on my face. He wants to see pleasure. He will not stop till he is satisfied with what he sees. And Sensei Kowaku always gets what he wants.

Suddenly, I notice that his hand is now between my legs.

"You are awake my lady"

I blush. He has caught me off-guard, in my reminiscing.

"Yes, Sensei"

"And what is my lady Hidenka thinking of first thing in the morning, that ....tastes so delicious?"

He lifts his fingers to his mouth. I know he is smiling, though I cannot, dare not, look at his face. He knows very well what I am thinking of. Sensei is a clever man. And teasing me gives him such pleasure.

"I do not know what you mean Sensei"

He likes when I tease back.

"Does my lady need to be reminded of ..... the pleasures that I can give her? Or is she still tired from last night?"

"Not tired Sensei....."

"Then what? Look at me Hidenka"

I look at his face. His eyes are clear. He moves his hand to my face, brushing my leg. I gasp. He is concerned at once.

"My lady? You are hurt? Did I hurt you?"

I have to smile. Sometimes Sensei is not aware of the strength he possess.

"You ...... I have some small scratches is all. But there is nothing......."

He sits up at once, taking me with him.

"Let me see"

It is an order. I sit back from him and show my legs. There is a small amount of blood on the sheets and some on me. He looks and then kisses my forehead.

"Lie back down. I will fetch what I need from the bathroom. Then I will tend to you"

He pulls back the sheets and I lay. He heads to the bathroom. I smile. Although Sensei was concerned by my scratches, he was also ready to be "tended to" himself.