The Artist Returns - Starting Down the Path, Part IV

I collapse on top of her without thinking. She growls at me and I retreat. I sit back against the head of the bed and watch her, as she takes in what has happened. She lays on her tummy for a time, and then asks for a cloth. I tell her not to worry, this place is for our needs, not to sleep comfortable at night. She sits up slowly, reaches out to touch the marks Anshinritsumei has left on her back, but I stop her. I leave the bed to fetch some water and some soothing lotion. When I return, she has tears on her face. I feel regret at once, which escapes in a sigh. She gasps.

"I am so sorry Sensei! I did not think it would be so much so soon! I did not meant to let you down ..... argh!"

She cries out in pain as she twists to look at me without thinking. I sit down on the bed next to her. I push her down gentle on the bed and begin to wash her back. I speak softly, trying my best to calm her with my words,

"You are beautiful my lady. You are amazing to my eyes. You have done something, taken something, that others have not be able to. You have strength that I am proud of. There is no need for sorrow, for apologies, for tears. You have done more then I could have expected. I feel......"

I can not say how I feel. There is such release, such calm. I am surprised by the change I feel in myself. I feel relaxed in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. My need to be in total control has diminished greatly, as if it has been drained out of me into my lady. I finishing washing and start to apply the lotion. She is full of confusion. I can see it in her eyes as she tries to glance at me. She lays back on the bed and sighs.

"I am ...... I am unsure ...... I don't know what to feel or what to think."

She sits up suddenly, and gasps at the pain. She slowly turns to face me.

"Will things change? What do you expect of me now?"

I do not know what to say. I have been so fixated on getting to this point, I had not thought of what would happen after. No ...... the truth is, I had thought what I would do if she had chosen to turn away from me and the path that I had offered her. That I had thought about a lot. But this? No, I had no idea what was to happen now. I did not know what I expected of her.

She looks away from me with tears on her faces. I pull her close, being mindful of her back. The skin had already risen in angry red marks. My anger, my pain. As I looked down at the marks, the marks that I had put there, I felt a shift, a slow change taking shape in my gut. It was rising, up through my chest into my heart. It was clearing my mind, and making my breath catch.

"My lady. I am going to run you a bath that will soothe your tender flesh. While you are soaking, there is something I must do. Can you give me some time? Alone? An hour? Then I will speak with you more if you need to?"

She looked at me. There was hurt. But that changed slowly as she saw the urgency, the naked vulnerability that was in my eyes. She sighs again. But she says

"Alright. I will be able to wait for an hour. But then ........ I need you close now."

I smile. And I see the slightly shocked look on her face. There is much that I have not show Hidenka. Like my pure joy at her, having her here in my house, having her body close to my own. And so the smile she saw was new to her. The smile she returned was a gentle brilliance that I had also not seen before.

"Thank you. Thank you my lady"

My voice is slightly hoarse as I kiss the top of her head. Then I get up and take her hand. I slip the soft silk robe around her shoulders and pull on my own. Then I lead her away from that little back room.

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Hidenka Writes:

As I soak in the green tinged bath, I think of his words before he departs for his office. He speaks to me in soft whispers, as if he is afraid his normal tones will hurt my ears. He touches me as if I am so fragile that I will break if he grasps me too hard. He looks at me as if he is afraid I will disappear as he watches. I am full of pain, but he has already helped to soothe it. He repeats over and over his gratitude. He says he has never known another that ....... He says that he needs time to think over this newness that he feels, but that he wants me there, by his side, quietly holding him steady. But then he says something that is a real sign that things have changed:

"I wish to invite my lady to my bed tonight. There are no expectations of you"

Whenever I have spent the night with him in the past, it was always with the expectation that there would be a meeting of our bodies. It was always fulfilling for me, but there was always that expectations. This time would be different. This time I was there because he felt that I needed that. That I would feel ...... What? Loved? I was unsure if I was meant to feel that. But I did all the same. Loved and cared for. I always felt cared for, but loved ..... I did not know if I should feel that.

As I lay, and soaked, slowly the pain was lessening. And then I heard it. From the study came the sound of the piano. Sensei playing. Sensei has not played his piano or his violin since I came here. It was said that he played beautifully, especially the violin. The music stopped and started, the same parts played over and over. He was writing. Writing music again, as I was told he did once. Sensei is really an artist. He writes music and paints. But he has since stopped this. I have never known him to do these things, although there are many of his paintings in the house. His IT work supports him, but he had lost something, and so the art has stopped. Whatever he had lost, I think I may have given it back to him in the little back room.