The Artist Returns - Starting Down the Path, Part IV

I collapse on top of her without thinking. She growls at me and I retreat. I sit back against the head of the bed and watch her, as she takes in what has happened. She lays on her tummy for a time, and then asks for a cloth. I tell her not to worry, this place is for our needs, not to sleep comfortable at night. She sits up slowly, reaches out to touch the marks Anshinritsumei has left on her back, but I stop her. I leave the bed to fetch some water and some soothing lotion. When I return, she has tears on her face. I feel regret at once, which escapes in a sigh. She gasps.

"I am so sorry Sensei! I did not think it would be so much so soon! I did not meant to let you down ..... argh!"

She cries out in pain as she twists to look at me without thinking. I sit down on the bed next to her. I push her down gentle on the bed and begin to wash her back. I speak softly, trying my best to calm her with my words,

"You are beautiful my lady. You are amazing to my eyes. You have done something, taken something, that others have not be able to. You have strength that I am proud of. There is no need for sorrow, for apologies, for tears. You have done more then I could have expected. I feel......"

I can not say how I feel. There is such release, such calm. I am surprised by the change I feel in myself. I feel relaxed in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. My need to be in total control has diminished greatly, as if it has been drained out of me into my lady. I finishing washing and start to apply the lotion. She is full of confusion. I can see it in her eyes as she tries to glance at me. She lays back on the bed and sighs.

"I am ...... I am unsure ...... I don't know what to feel or what to think."

She sits up suddenly, and gasps at the pain. She slowly turns to face me.

"Will things change? What do you expect of me now?"

I do not know what to say. I have been so fixated on getting to this point, I had not thought of what would happen after. No ...... the truth is, I had thought what I would do if she had chosen to turn away from me and the path that I had offered her. That I had thought about a lot. But this? No, I had no idea what was to happen now. I did not know what I expected of her.

She looks away from me with tears on her faces. I pull her close, being mindful of her back. The skin had already risen in angry red marks. My anger, my pain. As I looked down at the marks, the marks that I had put there, I felt a shift, a slow change taking shape in my gut. It was rising, up through my chest into my heart. It was clearing my mind, and making my breath catch.

"My lady. I am going to run you a bath that will soothe your tender flesh. While you are soaking, there is something I must do. Can you give me some time? Alone? An hour? Then I will speak with you more if you need to?"

She looked at me. There was hurt. But that changed slowly as she saw the urgency, the naked vulnerability that was in my eyes. She sighs again. But she says

"Alright. I will be able to wait for an hour. But then ........ I need you close now."

I smile. And I see the slightly shocked look on her face. There is much that I have not show Hidenka. Like my pure joy at her, having her here in my house, having her body close to my own. And so the smile she saw was new to her. The smile she returned was a gentle brilliance that I had also not seen before.

"Thank you. Thank you my lady"

My voice is slightly hoarse as I kiss the top of her head. Then I get up and take her hand. I slip the soft silk robe around her shoulders and pull on my own. Then I lead her away from that little back room.

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Hidenka Writes:

As I soak in the green tinged bath, I think of his words before he departs for his office. He speaks to me in soft whispers, as if he is afraid his normal tones will hurt my ears. He touches me as if I am so fragile that I will break if he grasps me too hard. He looks at me as if he is afraid I will disappear as he watches. I am full of pain, but he has already helped to soothe it. He repeats over and over his gratitude. He says he has never known another that ....... He says that he needs time to think over this newness that he feels, but that he wants me there, by his side, quietly holding him steady. But then he says something that is a real sign that things have changed:

"I wish to invite my lady to my bed tonight. There are no expectations of you"

Whenever I have spent the night with him in the past, it was always with the expectation that there would be a meeting of our bodies. It was always fulfilling for me, but there was always that expectations. This time would be different. This time I was there because he felt that I needed that. That I would feel ...... What? Loved? I was unsure if I was meant to feel that. But I did all the same. Loved and cared for. I always felt cared for, but loved ..... I did not know if I should feel that.

As I lay, and soaked, slowly the pain was lessening. And then I heard it. From the study came the sound of the piano. Sensei playing. Sensei has not played his piano or his violin since I came here. It was said that he played beautifully, especially the violin. The music stopped and started, the same parts played over and over. He was writing. Writing music again, as I was told he did once. Sensei is really an artist. He writes music and paints. But he has since stopped this. I have never known him to do these things, although there are many of his paintings in the house. His IT work supports him, but he had lost something, and so the art has stopped. Whatever he had lost, I think I may have given it back to him in the little back room.

Making Sense - Starting Down the Path, Part II

I have been busy over this weekend. I spent a lovely day on Saturday with a dear friend, and then attended a party on Sunday. So I had no time to post Sensei's recollections! So I am continuing now. I hope that you can get through this part. It was quite difficult for Sensei to write. He spent two days writing this part alone before he left!

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I took the lead, walking away from the main part of the house. I took her to a room in the back. It is small and tucked away, but it is perfect. It has been kept locked since Hidenka has been with me. She was so shy when I first brought her here, but she also has a curiosity that would put many felines to shame, and I didn't want anything to frighten her. I have failed at times with this. My temper is something that she is going to post about soon. But the back bedroom had to be kept secret or her discoveries would have driven her away.

I unlocked the door and switched on the light then let her go ahead of me. I waited while she had her initial reaction. I was happy at how calm she was, although I had to laugh at her confusion.

"Whose room is this Sensei? I have never been here before. Does someone stay here that I do not know about?"

She looked at me with slight accusation. She likes her home to be her safe haven, just as I do. The thought that there had been someone else here when she didn't know was unsettling for her.

"No, my lady. This room is not set up for anyone, although it was a guest bedroom"

She looked around. There was a large four poster bed, made of dark wood, covered on crisp white sheets; a chest at the foot; a chaise lounge covered in deep red velvet; a tall boy, again made of dark wood and a door behind which was a walk in closet that contained no clothes. She walked around the bed as something had draw her eye. It was mounted in a case on the wall above the bed, half hidden by the drapes. As she looked her eyes grew large.

"Sensei?"

Her voice was timid. She was scared she was asking the wrong thing. She thought she should know what was going on.

"Why....why is Anshinritsumei on the wall?"

"Because this is going to be our room"

"Our room?"

"Yes, my Lady"

I sat on the bed and pulled her down next to me, holding her as I spoke. I had to choose my words carefully (although I always do with my Lady). She had to feel exactly right.

"When you were first invited into my home, you expected us to share a bed, yes?"

She nodded, looking at me with those big eyes. She was hesitant, but she was also quite curious. Perfect.

"I would expect that you have wondered why we have not. It is because things needed to be taken slowly. You are very special to me, and I have plans for you, and for us. If those plans were to turn out the way I wanted, I had to make things just right for my little Hidenka. You were shy and innocent and precious and easily frightened. I had to protect you, build you up so that you would no longer be afraid. I knew that if you knew things too soon, I would frighten you..."

For a moment I was lost. This was a hard thing for me to admit. Even to her. She was indeed, my precious little Hidenka. The thought of frightening her hurt me now just as much, if not more, then it ever had. For a moment I wavered. Was it time? Was this the right thing to do? Would it ever be right? Should I leave us as we were and hide that side of me? Could I risk her knowing? Could I risk her leaving in fear? I closed my eyes as the doubts grew.

"Sensei? Sensei are you alright?"

She sounded worried. I tightened my grip on her. She snuggled closer. Her voice was gentle.

"What is wrong Kowaku?"

It was a first. I was Sensei to Hidenka. I had never been Kowaku to her. She had never called me that. She was reaching out to me on a new level. She wanted me to know that I could trust her with this, as a friend, if she being my pupil wasn't enough. I sighed. She was ready. But would she accept it? I took a deep breath.

"My Lady. I do love you. In a way that I have not loved another before. No....I have tried. And failed. This time, I have tried my hardest to make it right. Because you felt different. I know that others have warned you about me. Said that I was dangerous. That you would be hurt. I think that so far, you have been treated very well, and that I have given you no reason to believe what you have been told. Is this right?"

"Oh Sensei! I did not know that you knew of that horrid gossip! I was uncertain at first, it is true. But you have been very good to me.....there was only one time that I doubted....."

She buried her face in my chest. I touched her hair. I felt a shift. This would have to be concluded soon, as I needed her too much already. I felt more doubts surface, even as I rose

"Anshinritsumei? It frightened you, I know. It was too soon. I pushed, and you withdrew....."

She interrupted me.

"For a while, yes, I did withdraw. I was scared. But you gave me space. And you taught me other, such beautiful lessons that I was able to understand the lesson of Anshinritsumei more. It was hard for me to understand, but I do now......"

She paused. There was more to come. It came out in a rush of words.

"You.....you are different from other men. You demand of my mind as well as my body. I have to grow for you. But.....but you want something more from me. Something that frightens me. And you knew it would. But you have been preparing me I know.....haven't you? You said I was different. But I feel that you......you are going........the thing that you need to tell me............."

She took a deep breath, and then looked at me. She was a little pale. She looked away, and gathered her strength. She looked back.

"You want.....you want my pain. You want me to feel it so that you feel it. It is what drives you......drives your.........and you need it to feel complete when.........and you used to take the pain from many people, but now you only want it form me..........."

She ended in a whisper, her face hidden in my chest again. I felt her heart pound against me. She was gripping my arm like a vice. She was afraid........of me.

I almost left her there. Her fear was not what I wanted. It was like a knife. It was my worst fear.

"You may leave here.....if you feel you must"

She was very still. I could almost feel her thoughts whirling around in her mind. I could imagine her confusion, fear, but I could not understand why she hesitated.

She slowly lifted her head. Her eyes were calm as she looked at me. The fear was still there, but there was her strength. I felt pressure on the back of my eyes.

"Why would I leave my Sensei?......my Kowaku. My lessons are only just beginning."

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The next part will be posted in the next few days. Sensei coming home means I will be quite busy for a time ;)

His Little Hidenka