I have been busy over this weekend. I spent a lovely day on Saturday with a dear friend, and then attended a party on Sunday. So I had no time to post Sensei's recollections! So I am continuing now. I hope that you can get through this part. It was quite difficult for Sensei to write. He spent two days writing this part alone before he left!
*****************
I took the lead, walking away from the main part of the house. I took her to a room in the back. It is small and tucked away, but it is perfect. It has been kept locked since Hidenka has been with me. She was so shy when I first brought her here, but she also has a curiosity that would put many felines to shame, and I didn't want anything to frighten her. I have failed at times with this. My temper is something that she is going to post about soon. But the back bedroom had to be kept secret or her discoveries would have driven her away.
I unlocked the door and switched on the light then let her go ahead of me. I waited while she had her initial reaction. I was happy at how calm she was, although I had to laugh at her confusion.
"Whose room is this Sensei? I have never been here before. Does someone stay here that I do not know about?"
She looked at me with slight accusation. She likes her home to be her safe haven, just as I do. The thought that there had been someone else here when she didn't know was unsettling for her.
"No, my lady. This room is not set up for anyone, although it was a guest bedroom"
She looked around. There was a large four poster bed, made of dark wood, covered on crisp white sheets; a chest at the foot; a chaise lounge covered in deep red velvet; a tall boy, again made of dark wood and a door behind which was a walk in closet that contained no clothes. She walked around the bed as something had draw her eye. It was mounted in a case on the wall above the bed, half hidden by the drapes. As she looked her eyes grew large.
"Sensei?"
Her voice was timid. She was scared she was asking the wrong thing. She thought she should know what was going on.
"Why....why is Anshinritsumei on the wall?"
"Because this is going to be our room"
"Our room?"
"Yes, my Lady"
I sat on the bed and pulled her down next to me, holding her as I spoke. I had to choose my words carefully (although I always do with my Lady). She had to feel exactly right.
"When you were first invited into my home, you expected us to share a bed, yes?"
She nodded, looking at me with those big eyes. She was hesitant, but she was also quite curious. Perfect.
"I would expect that you have wondered why we have not. It is because things needed to be taken slowly. You are very special to me, and I have plans for you, and for us. If those plans were to turn out the way I wanted, I had to make things just right for my little Hidenka. You were shy and innocent and precious and easily frightened. I had to protect you, build you up so that you would no longer be afraid. I knew that if you knew things too soon, I would frighten you..."
For a moment I was lost. This was a hard thing for me to admit. Even to her. She was indeed, my precious little Hidenka. The thought of frightening her hurt me now just as much, if not more, then it ever had. For a moment I wavered. Was it time? Was this the right thing to do? Would it ever be right? Should I leave us as we were and hide that side of me? Could I risk her knowing? Could I risk her leaving in fear? I closed my eyes as the doubts grew.
"Sensei? Sensei are you alright?"
She sounded worried. I tightened my grip on her. She snuggled closer. Her voice was gentle.
"What is wrong Kowaku?"
It was a first. I was Sensei to Hidenka. I had never been Kowaku to her. She had never called me that. She was reaching out to me on a new level. She wanted me to know that I could trust her with this, as a friend, if she being my pupil wasn't enough. I sighed. She was ready. But would she accept it? I took a deep breath.
"My Lady. I do love you. In a way that I have not loved another before. No....I have tried. And failed. This time, I have tried my hardest to make it right. Because you felt different. I know that others have warned you about me. Said that I was dangerous. That you would be hurt. I think that so far, you have been treated very well, and that I have given you no reason to believe what you have been told. Is this right?"
"Oh Sensei! I did not know that you knew of that horrid gossip! I was uncertain at first, it is true. But you have been very good to me.....there was only one time that I doubted....."
She buried her face in my chest. I touched her hair. I felt a shift. This would have to be concluded soon, as I needed her too much already. I felt more doubts surface, even as I rose
"Anshinritsumei? It frightened you, I know. It was too soon. I pushed, and you withdrew....."
She interrupted me.
"For a while, yes, I did withdraw. I was scared. But you gave me space. And you taught me other, such beautiful lessons that I was able to understand the lesson of Anshinritsumei more. It was hard for me to understand, but I do now......"
She paused. There was more to come. It came out in a rush of words.
"You.....you are different from other men. You demand of my mind as well as my body. I have to grow for you. But.....but you want something more from me. Something that frightens me. And you knew it would. But you have been preparing me I know.....haven't you? You said I was different. But I feel that you......you are going........the thing that you need to tell me............."
She took a deep breath, and then looked at me. She was a little pale. She looked away, and gathered her strength. She looked back.
"You want.....you want my pain. You want me to feel it so that you feel it. It is what drives you......drives your.........and you need it to feel complete when.........and you used to take the pain from many people, but now you only want it form me..........."
She ended in a whisper, her face hidden in my chest again. I felt her heart pound against me. She was gripping my arm like a vice. She was afraid........of me.
I almost left her there. Her fear was not what I wanted. It was like a knife. It was my worst fear.
"You may leave here.....if you feel you must"
She was very still. I could almost feel her thoughts whirling around in her mind. I could imagine her confusion, fear, but I could not understand why she hesitated.
She slowly lifted her head. Her eyes were calm as she looked at me. The fear was still there, but there was her strength. I felt pressure on the back of my eyes.
"Why would I leave my Sensei?......my Kowaku. My lessons are only just beginning."
*****************
The next part will be posted in the next few days. Sensei coming home means I will be quite busy for a time ;)
His Little Hidenka
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment